i don't want you to think of me as your TA
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
