Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
