Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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