but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
