nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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