i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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