how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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