I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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