if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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