I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
