Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
