Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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