You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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