Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
