Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
