he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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