I faked an abortion last night.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
