Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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