i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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