Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
