so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
