i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
