jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
