Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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