before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
