she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
