just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
