omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She's the barista slut.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
