I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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