hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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