I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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