If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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