I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
