Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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