There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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