My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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