TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
