Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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