I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
