she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
