he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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