I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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