Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
