I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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