He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
