last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
