Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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