yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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