if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
