your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
