apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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