her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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