I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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