I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
