Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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