I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
