Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
